I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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