i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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