The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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