she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Panties = found
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
