So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
