Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
