Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize