party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
