at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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