Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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