A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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