I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
