Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
