I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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