Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
