There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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