my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
that is very illegal...i love you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize