Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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