I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
A bitchslap is in order.
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