im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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