She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
