Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
