i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize