Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize