I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
