Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize