Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
