the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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