remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
