I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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