She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
