i don't like sucking hair
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
