I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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