You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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