I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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