I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
