I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
