That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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