I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
