YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
