if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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