If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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