it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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