I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
