Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize