are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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