Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
