the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize