Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
