JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
