I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
