Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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