Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
