Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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