Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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