there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
