I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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