i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
