No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
