Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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