but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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