Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My bed smells like the plague
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
