There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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