Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
