Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
