Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
