If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
