So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's always time for handjobs
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
