you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
