Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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